Sit your asses down!

Dude, how can you not love Chris Rock?

Okay. So, here are my comments about this year's Oscars...

Renee, with your red dress and black hair and lemon puckered face, you're looking like Olive Oyl. Sounding a bit like her too, come to think of it.

Jude, you're a star to me. You've always been a star, since Gattaca. And props to Sean Penn for schooling Chris Rock.

Salma Hayek looks like Vampirella. And her tits are going to pop out any moment.

Love the Lanvin on Natalie Portman. Gives us flat chested girls a spark of hope.

What's up with Beyonce singing every other song? Whenever she appears, I think that a dove is going to flutter out of her cleavage or something. And her French is atrocious. Maybe that's the closest she'll ever get to winning an Oscar.

The hard core boxing workout have made Hilary Swank look a bit... mannish. Like Joan Crawford in a drag queen kinda way.

I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Damn, Prince is short.

Hey, I didn't know that Laura Linney was cast in the Mad Max sequel.

Color always looks so flattering on Kate Winslet. While her choices aren't necessarily my style (though I loved the red Ben de Lisi from a few years ago), she always wears frocks that make her skin look great. Come to think of it, they call her "the English Rose," don't they?

Dude, why the hell did Antonio Banderas sing the song from "Motorcycle Diaries"? He's not Latin American. And the guy who actually wrote it seemed to do okay when he sang his acceptance speech. Methinks there is some Hollywood heavyweight maneuvering going on, or maybe Beyonce was too busy changing to sing this one as well. And by the way, Melanie's implants are looking a little... saggy.

Cate, you look fabulous. Love the brooch, love the sash. Keep doing whatever it is that you're doing.

Yay! Finally, Charlie Kaufman won an Oscar. It's about fucking time. Loved his speech. "31, 29... that's really intimidating. Ummm, okay, I really don't like being up here. I want to leave."

Who the hell is this Emmy Rossum bitch? And why the hell should I care that she's presenting? That Phantom of the Opera movie looks godawful.

Billy Bush is a total tool. Even more so than Carson Daly.

Scarlett! What's with the poodle hair? You normally look fabulous, but I think you sat under the processor for too long. As for the other "starlets", love Kirsten's bob, and what's not to love about Maggie Gyllenhall?

Why is it that they always start to cut off the Best Actress speech, and yet they let the Best Actor ramble on and on? What's up with that? It smacks of M-I-S-O-G-Y-N-Y.