on grieving and loss

Last year was tough. Not so much for me, but for many close to me. When 2003 came to an end, I was ready to kiss it goodbye, and welcome the new year. But 2004 hasn't been any better. I daresay it's even worse. I haven't made it a secret that times have been tough for me recently. And many that I care about are going through struggles of their own, with illness, family, or even within themselves. But I just learned that last night, one dear to me is going though the worst pain imagineable, the worst that any human can endure. The loss of a child, my goddaughter, through a terrible accidental drowning.

I can't even begin to relate, or fathom it. I know it hasn't hit me yet, and once again, the mantra, "I'm in shock" comes up. Nobody could have foreseen it - she was barely two and a half - we were with her last week. We were at a friend's house for a barbeque, and she was shy and scared (of the dogs) at first, but gradually, she warmed up. She wanted me to hold her, so I did. I spun her around and turned her upside down before handing her back to her mother. By the end, she was singing and dancing for the guests, and she didn't want to leave. When we left, she gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye. I had no idea it would be the last time I would see her alive.

Her parents are, of course, devasted. Her father is in denial. Her mother blames herself. I've known her mother to be strong and sassy, and but right now, she can barely speak. I know that she's been through some pretty tough shit, but I truly believe that this is the worst thing that could possibly happen to anyone. What do I say? What do I do? What do I tell her? Nothing will make the situation go away or get better. All I can do is wait, worry and weep. In the meantime, I hold those I care about closer to my heart. It is my wish that those who are also going through tough times take whatever comfort they can in their friends and family. Life is short, precious and unpredictable.