mysticonnie's blog

Megalomania continues...
Cheese Diaries
a Conspiracy of 2
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Thursday, May 27, 2004

The alarm sounds, and I roll over. I have no desire to rouse myself. More than anything, I want to bury myself inside the covers and disappear. It's not that I ever looked forward to going in to work - who really does? But now I simply want to hide. I don't want to face anyone, or anything. And even if I were to give in, and shutter myself in my home, it would not be much of a respite. I can't hide from myself. I know I'd wind up lying there in the same semilucid state as before the alarm, battling demons in my mind. I long for some kind of draught that will bring lasting peace to my weary heart. I've thought of escaping... to Los Angeles, to New York, even to Paris. Anywhere but here. But my demons will follow me wherever I go. There is no escape.

Loved ones and friends I didn't realize I had have reached out to me and tried to comfort me. I appreciate it - really, I do. It moves me to tears, sometimes, realizing how much others care. But it is I alone who has to decide where my path lies. It's hard enough right now, to figure out plans for the next week, let alone the future. I guess I'll have to take it one day at a time.

Monday, May 17, 2004

I drift through existence insubstantial.
Am I a ghost?
A hollow shell?
A diaphanous membrane?
Only salt is tangible.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Typically, when I confront a problem in my life, I deal with it, I compartmentalize it, and I move on. I've always felt that life is too short to be wasted on looking back. Time always moves forward, and to dwell on the past won't amount to much. But now I find myself trying to deal with recent events in the same way. I know I can't avoid thinking about it, but I've been forcing myself not to feel. It's not working. It's too much. I was in the middle of the street this morning, when the enormity of it all began to bear its weight down on me, suffocating me. Paralyzed, I had to stop, and break down in sobs. I can't even comprehend what the future will hold. I'm watching the foundation of my life crumble away, and I can't do anything to stop it. I am completely lost.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Each second that ticks by is a needle of pain piercing my heart.

AFter a full night of insomnia, I am still wide awake, despite a double dose of Nyquil. I feel empty and my mind is scattered. I keep coming back to recent sordid events. My mind keeps trying to push them out, and I'm left blank, but the pain still manages to find its way in. Is this denial?

As much as I may bitch about my job, I have to say, the staff of legal assistants is great. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part, we're all friends. However, for the past week, two of my co-workers have had a falling out over something so lame, I'm not going to bother describing what it was. In a rather immature manner, they have ceased speaking to one another. I've told them both the same exact thing: "You're both being stupid. You both need to get over it. It could be worse. You should be the bigger person, and apologize". Today, I made a lighthearted attempt at mediation, which was shot down immediately. The cubicle atmosphere at that end of the office has become, shall we say, icy. It's ridiculous, really. The bonds of friendship are what help us get through the day-to-day shit we have to deal with, and to be so stubborn about petty shit is a waste. Friends are what help you get through tough times, you know?

I've had this feeling, subconsciously, that although things seem to be falling into place, something was ever-so-slightly off, like a door ajar. I've had this feeling before, and I wasn't wrong. Recently, I've learned that my intuition was not only right, but underestimated. I feel numb, with this turn of events, and I haven't really processed it. It's like the ground is about to open up and swallow me. I see the vortex, but I'm paralyzed, and I don't know what to do. I know my world is about to change drastically, and I don't know how I'm going to cope. But I know I have wonderful friends, and I believe that they'll help me through what are sure to be difficult times.